written by Tim Estiloz
Monstrous creeping goo from outer space has been among the most beloved B-movie horror tropes dating back to the days of 1950’s drive-in movies and all the decades in between. From 1958’s “The Blob” starring a young Steve McQueen in one of his earliest roles to the gelatinous ooze central to such frightful classics like John Carpenter’s 1982 “The Thing” as well as Ridley Scott’s 1982 opus “Alien” and James Cameron’s revolutionary action follow-up, 1986’s “Aliens”; celestial goo has been the dangerously deadly bugaboo for many an unwary human victim.
Now comes director Jonny Campbell’s slightly derivative take on the slimy genre that wears its horror and humor proudly on its sleeve. When a sci-fi horror film starts out with a title card boldly saying “Pay attention. This shit is real”; you can bet what’s to follow is a story with its metaphorical tongue firmly planted in its extraterrestrial cheek. Not to mention a cast that includes Liam Neeson, Lesley Manville and Vanessa Redgrave in more or less supporting roles along for the ride, a few fun professional giggles and likely an easy paycheck too.
But, that’s not to say “Cold Storage” is a cheap waste of their time nor yours. Quite the contrary.
After the audience starts paying attention to the approaching “real shit” boldly promised by the aforementioned title card, “Cold Storage” treats us to a prologue where a Skylab space station falls out of orbit off-screen in 1979. Everyone assumes most of the space experiments burned up in the atmosphere upon re-entry. However, a couple of decades later, an overlooked NASA oxygen tank that survived re-entry is discovered by an isolated village of residents in the Australian Outback. When something emerges from the tank that attacks the village, killing everyone, a survivor manages to call a toll free military number on the tank to call for help – just before he too expires on the phone.
The panicked call brings a trio of scientists to the scene consisting of Dr. Hero Martins ( Sosie Bacon ), NASA bioterrorism expert Robert Quinn ( Liam Neeson ) and his scientific partner Trini Romano ( Lesley Manville ). When the three arrive at the village, they discover all the residents on the roofs of the small buildings, dead with their heads and chests split wide open.
When Dr. Martins discovers a small spot of green, gooey mold-like substance on the wrecked NASA storage tank; of course, she throws all common sense to the wind – per requisite horror film victim stupidity protocol, and gets uncomfortably close with the substance to take a sample. As expected, a small bit of the substance attaches to her boot and soon gets inside her hazmat suit with splatterific results.
Quinn and Romano see to it that the substance is frozen inert and stored away deep inside an underground U.S. government facility for safekeeping from the public. However, decades later, the government facility is decommissioned and much of its buried contents long forgotten.
Fast forward to the present day where the decaying underground storage tunnels are deep below a public storage facility business, completely unknown to its above ground new retail tenants. Joe Keery ( Stranger Things ) plays Travis AKA “Teacake”, an easy going sort of slacker type overnight shift employee dealing with an insufferably sleazy boss, Griffin ( Gavin Spokes ). Griffin hounds Teacake to join him and his biker pals to sell a supply of flat screen TV’s stolen from one of the storage units. Teacake however refuses because he not only needs the job because he’s out on parole; but also because he’s genuinely trying to turn over a new, legit leaf in life.
Enter new fellow night shift co-worker Naomi ( Georgina Campbell ) who soon tries to coax Teacake into seeking out the source of a mysterious repetitive tweet sounding like a smoke alarm from behind the walls of the business showroom.
They soon discover a strange and aggressively spreading green substance deep below the storage facility that’s eerily similar to the goo shown earlier in the film; only now there’s a lot more of it – and it’s growing. When this mysterious alien goo later attaches itself to living hosts; including Griffin’s biker buddies, Naomi’s obnoxious ex-boyfriend, her pet cat and a stray wild deer; things begin to go horribly, even explosively wrong.What follows next is a fast paced succession of humorously staged gross-out horror and viscerally gooey explosions. PETA members will not be pleased with what happens to the cat and Bambi; but nevertheless, it’s hilarious if you can remember that obviously the animals aren’t truly real nor actually harmed.
Toss in a return appearance by Neeson and Manville to try and rescue lone survivors Teacake and Griffin; while the quartet join forces to keep the green slime from spreading uncontrollably across the land.
Serious fans of the zombie film genre will find recognizable similarities in David Koepp’s screenplay taken from his novel to 1985’s horror comedy “Return of the Living Dead”. Only in this film, the dangerous zombie-creating “MacGuffin” is creating walking dead creatures trying to get out, instead of trying to get in; amid an impending rainstorm threatening to turn the entire plague-filled situation from simply bad to really, really a lot worse.
Keery and Campbell have an easy chemistry that playfully develops with simplistic romantic undertones by the film’s conclusion. Neeson and Manville are convincing as longtime colleagues with the comfort, caring and crankiness of an old married couple. Honored actress Vanessa Redgrave is sadly wasted here as a cranky widow with a shotgun toying with suicide that falls asleep in her storage unit and awakens amid the mayhem.
The special effects are low rent basic but given the B-movie vibe this film is clearly shooting for; the cheesiness actually works just fine.
Overall, “Cold Storage” is a lot of silly fun. No worries if you miss this in theaters. It’s basic B-movie horror vibe is exactly the kind of retro entertainment diversion that was best enjoyed at home with an old VHS player and bag of popcorn on a Saturday night anyway.